I think that the impact (even though it is only a temporary one) that this operation will have on my family is starting to sink in now with us all. Jon is finally admitting he is worried sick, the boys are getting clingy and won’t leave my side and for me it is all coming out in my dreams.
Last night I had two disturbing dreams which upset me and woke me. Both were about me losing the boys – one where I was in a crowd and lost my eldest son in the crush and the second dream where I watched my youngest being swept away into the sea.
I seem to be clingy too, seeking reassuring kisses and cuddles from Jon and the boys when ever I can. I think by Tuesday morning I will be accused of smothering them.
The boys have lent me one if their favourite cuddly toys each for me to take into hospital so they can look after me and I can look at them and remember the boys waiting at home for me to come home. I am not sure if the boys will get a chance to come and visit me in hospital, I’m not sure that I want them to see me at my worse. My eldest is a sensitive lad at the best of times. He was particularly affected when my Dad was very poorly over Christmas, he was very quiet and withdrawn and I hate to think of him being like that with me. They are only 5 and 7 and not as tough as they think they are!
I have spoken to both their teachers at school so that if the little guys are upset or behave differently in class then at least the teacher will understand why. I have lists of who is picking the boys up every day from school and have tried to prepare the boys as best as I can. They keep asking me questions so it is obviously in the back of their minds too.
I just want it all to be over so I can be back here with them again.