10th June (H day +3)

I thought I was invincible yesterday and I am paying the price for it today. My stomach feels tender and the muscles sore.I can walk a little further and feel a little better but I know there is a long way to go.

On the plus side Clare came to visit and bought Kathy ( a friend who just happens to be a physio) and we had a fabulous couple of hours chatting. Kathy came laden with books, cards, fruit and chocolate – perfect friend! Getting out of bed was a smidgen easier than it was yesterday and no doubt a smidge worse than it will be tomorrow – small steps girl.

I was thinking about  pain and my reaction to it. I had been getting tense just envisaging the drainage tube coming out, the epidural cannulae removal, dressing removal and finally stitch removal. It is ridiculous how much of a lather I can get myself into worrying about what might happen. In reality the removal of all ( with the exception of the stitches which happens later) has been a virtually pain-free experience.

I don’t really feel qualified to talk about pain. I think what I have endured over the last few days would be described as discomfort when compared to that of some women who have suffered excruciating pain for years and years from endometriosis. I am think I am very lucky- not to be losing all my “women’s equipment” and having to face an earlier menopause – but that my discomfort has been short-lived and temporary.  My emotional pain is small ( though may increase if it turns out to be cancer) and I have not had to make impossible decisions – a choice between having a family and my health ( Elizabeth you know  I think you are an amazing person for having the courage to accept this decision). I have my family and we had already agreed we didn’t want  to have anymore children. My menopause will be short compared with you girls who gave to have the operation in your 20’s and 30’s . I admire you all.

I was listening to a song the other day and it was about pain of a different kind.

Rob Thomas’ (lead singer of Matchbox twenty and solo artist very popular in America) wife suffers from Lupus. The song (Her diamonds) tells of Rob’s frustration of not being able to help her when she was in the midst of crippling pain, watching his wife and feeling helpless. I think it may well strike a chord with the  partners of many women who suffer. I don’t have permission to reproduce these lyrics so may have to remove them later.

“She sits down and stares into the distance

and it takes all night

and I know I could break her concentration

but it don’t feel right

By the light of the moon

she rubs her eyes

sits down on the bed and starts to cry

and there is something less about her

well I don’t know what I’m supposed to do

So I sit down and I cry too

but I don’t let her see.”

On that happy note…..

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